So, a shortened version of Twilight, in which Bella is a cake.
Copied here because I lost it once and it is BEYOND AMAZING. Source is here, written by Melanie Magolan. ♥
Book 1
Setting: The town of Forks, founded by the survivors of the Disaster of Chewandswallow.
Local police chief, Charlie is sent a cake by his ex-wife to make up for the whole leaving him thing. Everyone in town knows about the cake, because the town is so boring that the sudden arrival of baked goods is big news. Edward learns about the cake, and proceeds to think about it. A lot.
Edward: Mm, what a delicious cake! I would like to eat the cake, but if I do, there will no longer be cake. Woe is I (1)!
Other males: We want to eat the cake, too, because we are devoid of baked goods here in Forks!
Edward spends much of his time breaking into the Charlie’s house to stare at the cake.
Alice: I want cake, too, but God! Get a life!… if you steal the cake, can I decorate it?
Edward: SHUT UP, ALICE.
James: It’s my cake now!!
Alice: Dude, someone stole your cake.
Edward: Hell to the icinged NO!!!
Alice, Edward, and some other, non-important people steal back the cake and return it to Charlie, who is kind of wondering why everyone is obsessed with his cake. Edward continues to stalk the cake.
Edward: I love you, cake, and I will never, ever eat you.
The cake: says nothing, because cakes don’t talk (2).
Book 2
Edward: I love you, cake.
The cake: …
Edward: But for my own good, and yours, I must leave you. Farewell, cake!
The cake: …
Edward leaves to do… well, something. Meanwhile, the entire population of Forks is STILL OBSESSED WITH THE CAKE.
Jacob: Now that Edward’s gone, I can take up Stalking the Cake Duties (3)!
During this time, the cake falls off a table, but defies Murphy’s Law and doesn’t get smushed.
Alice: I heard that your cake fell off a table.
Edward: NOOOO!!!! If the cake is gone, I must be, too!
Alice finds out the cake is actually OK, retrieves it from Charlie, and finds Edward.
Alice: DON’T DIE!!! See, the Cake is OK!!!!
Edward: I’ll never leave you again, Cake!
The cake: …
Book 3
Edward: I want the cake!
Jacob: No, I want the cake!
The cake: …
Charlie: Seriously, it’s JUST A CAKE!!
Alice: I know! I haven’t even decorated it yet!
Book 4
Alice decorates the cake, and Charlie gives it to Edward because he’s TIRED OF PEOPLE BREAKING INTO HIS HOUSE TO STALK THE CAKE.
Jacob: … I still want the cake.
Edward: If I eat part of the cake, then no one can take it from me!
Edward eats some of the cake.
Jacob: YOU RUINED IT!!!
Edward: But I made you this other cake! See? It’s just for you!
Jacob: Oh, thanks, man.
Evil people: Jacob, where did you get that cake?
Edward: I made it for him. See? Here’s the recipe.
Alice: It’s very similar to this other cake from South America.
Evil People: Right, off you go, then.
Edward: I love you, cake!
Jacob: I love you, other cake!
The cakes: …
Charlie: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS GOING ON???
1. I don’t care how Shakespeare said it, grammatically it should be woe is I, not woe is me. Take that, Billy!
2. God, how much less annoying would THAT make the book?
3. Because clearly, learning how to bake or finding a pastry shop would be too logical hard.
3 comments
Melanie
January 30, 2010 at 1:59 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Hey there! It is I, the author! I’m glad you enjoy the piece so much! Just curious about how you found it? I love feeling semi-famous! <3
Greg
January 30, 2010 at 2:37 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Not actually sure how I found it… but I had it bookmarked, and went to show my sister the other day, and IT WAS GONE.
Took me nearly half an hour of random google searches to find it xD
Melanie
January 31, 2010 at 5:43 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
My guess is you probably read it on my livejournal or pulpexplosion.com, which are the more public places that I posted it. It’s also been linked in a few message boards, livejournal communities, and an amazon.com discussion.
Did your sister like it?